Then I was thinking oh my God shit, the music is on, uploading this is taking so long ohhhh error. I miss coffee, I want to drink later, my tumbler with three-day old, gross. Spoiled! Like soy latte. And this hard drive is slow, what it’s a gift. Peeeee! It’s 3:52 in the morning, I will be sleepy later. Work, oh computers and restricted internet. I smell the tumbler. Shoot the rain, the train how to commute. Cab I’m lost what is LRT, and how to get there quickly. The iPod syncs what! A storm. This doomed person. It’s cold I want coffee no, I can’t sleep acid on my tummy. I keep on thinking about memory cards and laptops. I should save! Money dearest of them all, give me all the books I want. Then Fully Booked Saturday morning. Friends? SO excited. And Korean. and… and……. Oh George Orwell. I’m.
버스커 버스커 - 봄바람
Creative CV / Resume for June 2014
What I’m doing at the moment. I’ve been getting closer with my tea sets, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by Haruki Murakami, and A Clash of Kings by George R.R. Martin.
I was walking some other night on a dark alley. There was a big house on my left. The lights were on, but only a few seconds after looking at it, the lights coming out of the third floor had been put off. Well, not my problem. There was a huge straight wall guarding my right. It’s about six-feet tall and it would be easy for me to try and reach the top with my hands if I jumped. But I didn’t. I continued walking when I saw a cat. I was not sure if it’s a cat since it was as big as a cat, but it could pass for a huge sewer rat. The lighting was not so good since the street lights can only emit so little. My cellphone could illuminate the street brighter than that street light, I thought. I’m not particularly scared or disgusted by the creature anyway, so I let it pass. I turned on my iPod and scrolled to Enya through the artists. Good, Orinoco Flow. Something that would calm my nerves. I’m not very jumpy but I saw another cat-like rat, or was it a rat-like cat running in front of me. I almost fell, but then I let it pass again. I was thinking, it was nothing. It’s just a cat… or a rat, so I continued walking. By this time, my heart was pounding like calm and repetitive knocks on the door, without too much sense of urgency. I shall not be scared, I shall not be scared. I formulated an instant mantra inside my brain, mixing with the music I’ve been playing through my headphones. Should I try looking forward then?
Maybe I’m too pessimistic of a person. All these years, I used to walk in a slouched posture while looking downwards, or maybe it was something that I retained unconsciously when our church priest told us that monks practiced walking while looking on their feet. That way, they have freed themselves from the temptations of looking at people and making bad prejudgments about them. Then I thought about monks. Not that they’re bald or they wear something pure white or gray and they move with eccentricity, but monks creep me out a little. I would even die a bit if I see a monk right now, so I continued walking without looking forward.
By this time, my heart is pounding a bit louder, like a sub-woofer playing disco music on a dark empty room. I’m trying to walk faster and I turned the volume so loud it drowned my heartbeats. Then I remembered this movie, that supernatural creatures can also intercept through audio devices, so I creeped out a little bit more. I’m dead scared that moment but I continued on, pushing another mantra inside my already chaotic and dead-scared brain. This will pass, this will pass. Please God, this will pass. Then I closed my eyes. And just a millisecond before I closed my eyes, I saw a foot, walking in the opposite direction. By impulse, I opened my eyes, and looked behind me. There was nothing. Not even the street lights. Not even a faint trace of the alley I was walking through. My heart would stop in a minute if I don’t trick my head thinking that everything was just a delusion. I reverted my vision to my feet, and continued to walk, tons faster now.
Just then, another cat, now I’m certain it was a cat, ran and sat on my foot making me halt for an instant. The cat was silently and ever so carefully lifting its head towards me. It was slow, like dead crawling so I avoided being caught up with its eyes. I looked quickly upwards and saw a bulb. I believe it was a street light hanging just above me, but I was not sure. It made me feel a bit more calm, though, and it gave me this sense of belonging that everything already came back to normal. Then I figured out I should continue and walk on, but when I looked downwards again, the same cat was staring at me. Staring deep into my eyes, like there is a passage inside it, and the most magnificent cat food was waiting inside. In a few seconds, the cat’s eyes turned bigger and bigger, so fast that in a minute, its eyes turned bigger than her face. I tried to wag her off my foot and ran. I was crying. My other slipper gave up and left me on my own. The other one became more of a problem so I threw it also. I ran and ran, and was crying until I tripped on to a small stump. It hurt real bad, but I didn’t fall so I had nothing else to do, but to try and run a bit faster. I was scared to death. So scared that nothing could ever scare me more than that particular experience. I was running, knowing that something was definitely wrong. That wouldn’t have happened in the real world. I was not sure how it started but it would probably be the moment I entered this alley, or if playing Orinoco Flow on this exact part of the world switched another orbit that enabled me to travel to this scary part I wouldn’t want to be a part of.
Right! Orinoco Flow. I reached for my iPod. Just in time for stopping the music, I closed my eyes. I don’t know how long I closed my eyes but when I woke up, I’m on the same alley. I was breathing heavily when I looked to my left. There it is, the house. All the lights were open, then suddenly, the lights from the third floor had been put off. I turned around, and never tried walking through that same alley, ever again.
Nakatulala ako sa langit. Gabi na’t madilim. Naririnig ko paminsan ang mga lamok na lumalapit sa aking mga tainga, ngunit pilit kong hinahayaan. Subukan nilang pumasok at papalakpakan ko sila hanggang sa mga katawan nila’y rumupok, masira’t maligo sa sarili nilang mga dugo. Hindi naman siguro masyadong morbid bilang mga lamok lamang sila. Mga lamok na may sariling pananaw sa buhay, may sariling batas, at may sariling paraan kung paano mabuhay.
Isipin mo, matagal na din pala akong nakatingala, at paunti-unti nang sumasakit ang aking mga leeg. Wala akong makita, ni piraso ng bituin, o kahit man lang kapiranggot na anyo mula sa mga ulap… nang maisip ko din. Nasaan ang buwan? Bakit mailap sa akin ang mga bagay na gusto kong makita? Nasaan ang mga tuldok ng liwanag? Ano nga ba ang ginagawa ko dito sa labas? Nakatingin na ang mga tao sa akin, mga taong may iba-ibang lakad at hangarin. Yung iba’y para makauwi sa kanilang mga tirahan, kumain dahil kailangan na nilang maghapunan, o magpa-load o bumili ng Sarsi, habang ako’y nakatingala lamang. Nakatingala sa mga bagay na walang kapararakan, at walang patutunguhan. Nakatingala sa mga bagay na hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang kahihinatnan sa huli, sa mga bagay na nais kong makita, ngunit kahit anong pilit ko’y wala.
Nasaan na nga ba ang mga lamok? Pati ba sila’y mailap na rin? O baka sa kanilang mga pananaw, batas, at paraan, ay unti unti na nila akong pinapalakpakan.
It’s very easy for me to come up with stuff, like I could just go on and on about an abstract topic, and inject some metaphors in there, maybe use some words I’ve been excited to use for a very long time just because it sounds cool, or just because it sounds highly intelligent, but I want to stop writing essays or thoughts about something since it’s not very productive in my opinion.
But the hard part is this. I can’t seem to write a short story because I don’t have guidelines or… something. Something that would enable me to write. Like a site that can conjure something up in my brain, or a blog, or just plain old, “Start with this… then do this… then build up on this… and end with this.” sort of stuff.
As much as I love to write essays and abstracts on topics I’m very interested in, or even something I only had a vague concept of, I’m not a very organized writer. I sometimes tend to cut out on punctuation marks, rearrange my sentences, or delete a whole paragraph easily. I’m not entirely sure how to design my thoughts since I spontaneously write and just go on infinitely until I find the perfect conclusions. I don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s a problem with everyone else, that’s why I want to try to write in a more disciplined format so it would enable me to brush up on my writing skills since I also have a lot of visions in my mind, but just can’t seem to write them off. I would always end up being too stressed about the chaos of writing too much and then eventually end up spoiling the whole material, then finally scrapping off the material in its entirety, not bothering to even think about returning to it anymore.
It sucks, but I really want to start writing. Any tips?
It was just late morning, the sun was not yet at its height. The fur bedding added too much warmth over my plain white shirt.
"Wake up, you need to wear trunks." My mom was waking me up.
It was not very hard to rise anyway. The sweat, the brightness of summer seeping through the windows. It baffles me so much why the windows bring too much light but not cool air, at least. Today was Maundy Thursday and it still brings me to laughter every time I think about a very lame joke about the day being both Maunday and Thursday.
I glance at the hands. It’s 11:40 AM. Not a very good time to start a day in the scorching heat. Temperature’s at about 30 degrees Celsius, not a sky full of clouds, I thought. People starting to pack the streets, Visita Iglesia just finished. I used to walk through 14 churches some years past, but I never prayed like how I should have. It was more of a fun walk and a slight tour for me, rather than a pilgrim. I wore flip flops while devotees walked barefoot on burning, coal-hot sometimes muddy or sharp ground. Everyone’s usually in their plain denims and white shirts printed with Jesus Christ’s image in monotone.
"You haven’t packed your bags yet! You’ll be leaving at half-past twelve!"
I am the kind of person who can be about a hundred percent conscious, instantly just after waking up. Other people would seem to be out of their mood, would rather not talk, or would just make a face like the whole world’s asking them to solve a math problem. I am the exact opposite. I can listen to the loudest music possible, or even check my Facebook without the chains from last night’s sleep. But not today. Maybe because of the heat, I am just sitting on my bed, piercing a hole in the ground with my stare not thinking about anything. Aha! Maybe I want to see who the devotees were today.
In my messed up sleepwear, I got out of bed, mussed my hair a little and went out. Everyone who walked, I know them by name. No one greets me, or nod. Give them a break. I thought. They were tired and they’re more than excited to eat their lunches, more than my excitement to take a bath.
Bath! I thought again. Why will I be going to the hotel today? I remember. There would be a water interruption and I’m going to be so doomed. But then, I also have a strong feeling like there’s still going to be running water from the tap, because I am usually lucky at things I’m not proud of getting lucky at, like having the first seats on the bus, or successfully opening a pack of M&M’s with mostly blue ones. I never won any raffle draws, or correctly picked the last number for the school’s group presentation, but I always get the most awesome book titles in second-hand stores or book sales, and just like today, yes, water on the tap’s pretty much unlimited.
Off to the bath I go. The water is awesome. It feels good to have cold water running down from your head to your feet. I would sometimes sing a little Lana del Rey song, or Beyoncé, mostly her ad libs on concerts and live performances. It makes me scrub myself a little more longer than when I’m doing my business solemnly. I think of the bath as a ritual and it feels too short and insincere without uttering lines from Beyoncé’s songs. I sometimes find harmony and contentment in things when I do it my own way. It’s my little idea of finding something special and extraordinary from things uneventful like washing dishes or sitting on a chair. I could go on and on all day about the weird stuff I inject in life, but right now I’m taking a bath. I have no exciting thoughts about the hotel. About what to eat there, or if I should swim, or just sleep, or if I could meet people. Then I thought I could read by the swimming pools. I should bring George R.R. Martin’s ‘A Clash of Kings’ with me.
The moment I got out of the bath, the temperature’s back, and like droplets on your skin magically turn from just water from the showers to sweat. I pat myself dry and put on my shorts that I just took off from the night before, like I’m not going anywhere. I don’t have to go to the hotel really, there’s water anyway. I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere at this rate.
I opened my laptop, checked some notifications, and listened to Sugababes. I stumbled upon a song called Lay Down In Swimming Pools. Sugababes as Siobhan, Mutya and Keisha debuted in 1998 and released their first album two years later. After the success of their debut single, and the course of their promotions for the album, Siobhan left, and Heidi took her place. The second line up’s a bit better for me than the first one since they released more successful singles and they sounded real better. Then after some years, Mutya left, and her spot were taken by Amelle. The line up started to change the group’s whole appeal. Now, Keisha’s the only original member left, and because of lineup changes, they had minimal success with their materials. As expected, Keisha was then eventually sacked off of the group, then replaced by Jade. It’s as if the original members had to graduate some time and be replaced by someone else. In a span of about ten years or more, the three original members got back together and formed a group called Mutya Keisha Siobhan and released a song that can be considered a flop. I searched for their name, and found out that they also released another song. The title was not very appealing and I already made prejudgments about the song. Who would listen to a song titled Lay Down In Swimming Pools? Well, I did.
I never paid attention to the lyrics of the song, but the first line, I wanna stay… proved to be too much powerful. I ended up staying and ditched the hotel thing. The summer heat begs me to lay down in swimming pools, or read a book somewhere near its vicinity, or drink cold and fancy coffee in the cafe, but then I didn’t. I laid down in my bed instead of swimming pools, and fell asleep after listening to the song for about seven times in a row.