Is it too early to evaluate my feelings regarding my job? I started last February and I’m only reaching my 4th month on June 7. Every day is not a very good day to look forward to. Well I can say it’s fortunate enough that I don’t sigh whenever I have to wake up or whenever I have to leave the house.

I see my first job as a blessing in disguise: (1) This is my first job and I’m already working at an advertising agency, (2) I work as a graphic artist, and (3) I have my college classmates as workmates. If I reflect deeply, I have a lot of things to appreciate about the company, it’s just that the negativity changes and blurs everything.

I am a highly choosy person, but I know when to be choosy. I seriously don’t know if I have a choice right now because someone I’ve known for so long is asking me to transfer to them as a graphic artist. I had great experiences there and I’m itching to come back since my heart is in there *or I don’t know*, maybe because I’m more concentrated in my craft when I choose to work there unlike here where I am expected to do other things outside my job description.

I don’t know how the world works, maybe it’s just normal for your ‘other’ bosses to ask you to do something that you’re not obliged to do but it’s just unreasonable for me. I chose to be a graphic artist because I don’t expect myself to meet clients or talk to them and explain what I know or what I want to say. Sometimes I’m thinking if I’m more interpersonal or intrapersonal, since I somewhat enjoy working with others, but I enjoy working by myself more, untouched, undisturbed. Of course being intrapersonal doesn’t mean I’m expecting no one to help or tell things to me. It’s just that I have more peace and solemnity working by myself. Tell me what to do, I’ll do it the best I can, and I’ll just ask questions if I need to know something.

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Thinking about this more deeply, I should just be thankful because there are people who: (1) is struggling to have a job, (2) have a job but they hate what they’re doing, (3) have a job, they like what they’re doing, but don’t like their colleagues/superiors, then there’s (4) people who have a job that they don’t have a problem with. Excluding number 4, I would say I’m lucky that I have better experiences than 1, 2, 3. I might not like some of my superiors, but they’re not total bitches who curse words in front of you, or do worse stuff like…

All I have to think about is that this company has far more better opportunities in line for me, and I should just stop the negativity in me because sometimes, we think that there’s a problem elsewhere when in fact, there isn’t and we’re the only ones making them. Of course it’s going to be hard, but I don’t have to make myself feel exceptionally special when others have real problems far worse than what I have right now.

Endurance, patience, faith.

I’ve been living for the past 20 years, and through all those years, I’ve done a lot of things, even ignored doing a lot of things. Made a lot of friends, and lost even some of my best friends. Met my sisters, learned a new language. Broke records, had 10,000 songs. Listened to music, listened to music some more. Read a lot of books, also bought a lot. Watched the Harry Potter series over phone, and had phone conversations for about 1000 hours or more. Fell in love, fell out of love. Broke someone’s heart. Fell in love again. Watched my first concert, and with the same artist, a second concert. Got mistaken for being a Korean, met some Singaporean. Traveled for a month. Graduated, ignored, backstabbed, loved, understood, loved again. Learned a lot of lessons, even unlearned some. Have done a lot of new things, and stopped doing some things I once loved. Listened to music some more. Ate a lot of food, tried a lot of new food. Filled up a terabyte, got a new terabyte. Tried being very insensitive, tried being very emotional. Made mistakes, and tried to correct them.

And after all these years, God is still giving me indefinite time to do a lot more things. Experience more. Forgive. Reflect a little, and forgive a little more. Sort what’s immature, and straighten out those things to be a little more mature.

I’m thankful for everyone who’s been with me everytime, when I needed someone to talk to, or not talk to. When I wanna go somewhere, or not go somewhere. When I need someone who wants to listen, or not listen. When I need someone to be just a friend, or not. I’m thankful to everyone who gave their time, comfort, love, rants, complaints, etc. I’m not gonna mention anyone because everyone became a part of my life for quite some time. Others longer than others, others so short I didn’t even notice they were there, but they were.

I’m thankful because God has been graciously giving me a lot of blessings, problems, and solutions to my problems. He’s knocking me to the ground, but giving me reasons for me to stand up and kick some ass again. Thankful that God never fails to forgive every single bitchy thing I’ve done, and never forgets to put three stars on my hand whenever I’ve done something good. Thankful that God has been blessing me with not-so-perfect set of parents, but perfectly right for me. A set of cousins who love me so much, relatives, and close family friends. Thankful for blessing me with good friends, and not-so-good friends for without them I won’t grow stronger. Thankful for every single meal I ate, whether I raved about them or not, for every drop of water I consumed, for the air I’m still breathing, clean, smelly, or not. Thankful for another period of my life, not years because I’m not certain how long. Thankful for a lot of chances even if I failed Him a lot of times.

It’s been a very happy birthday, and I’m very thankful for a lot of things. I’m not gonna ask for anything, except to live longer with my parents, family and friends.

Goodbye teenage life… or not.

There were times when I wish I had a net book, or something similar that I can bring just about anywhere, and those were the times when I have a lot of things on my mind, a lot of things to think of, and I just can’t write it on paper because my mind’s gonna get fucked up, and would just end up wasting a lot of time writing and erasing and that sort of stuff. There are a lot of things that I have to vent out, share, or just express freely in a very productive way which comes to me very unexpectedly.

It’s hard to put together thoughts, emotions, grammar, and things that would connect every pieces so everything would be relevant. But it’s harder to pick which words to use when your mind and your feelings can’t even emit that simple emotion or thought that you wanna think about or feel.

It’s like swimming in a pool of words, its very complicated, very chaotic. No matter how organic you are, you just can’t seem to get that exact ‘thing’. And I’m just saying it somehow metaphorically.

I’m a very confused person recently. I should’ve been heartbroken, but I wasn’t. I’m actually happy, but I don’t know which things to be happy about. I still have a lot of self-esteem issues, no matter how many times I count the things that I’m better at, I just can’t seem to feel secured. I google a lot of stuff about my feelings and questions. I’ve got no one to talk to seriously that I can trust fully with my life. I think I’m improving relationship with my closest friends, but losing a lot of friends on the other hand. I feel like every minute, my emotions don’t seem to fit the very exact scenario that I’m experiencing. I’m very unbalanced. I’m being very obsessive and compulsive about a lot of stuff. I don’t feel like I belong, I feel betrayed. I think a lot about what others think about me. I try not to think about others, but I end up comparing myself with them and come up with conclusions that they’re better than me.

It’s like I’m losing myself. One more stupid move, or one more stupid choice would actually push me to be truly depressed, or worse, suicidal.

I’m on panic mode, I feel very disconnected and disoriented. I’m losing faith. I’m doing stuff that I’m not sure of. I’m losing courage. I’m being very pessimistic. I feel like I should be jolly but my heart and mind dictates the other.

I don’t know what to do with my life anymore, was this ever been my fault? Am I being very relaxed that I failed looking at things that would actually help me become better and more mature? Am I just over-thinking about a lot of things which just make me become this kind of person that I’m not? Am I afraid of something, and not admit it to myself that’s why it eats me up and make me feel unwell?

All these thoughts come unexpectedly, giving me a lot of urges to just cry, listen to sad songs, eat a lot, etc. It’s hard, knowing that the only thing you can do is sleep it off.

I wanna feel better again.

It was once my cousin’s past time, till I asked her: “Why do you delete your friends on Facebook, like you could just ignore them or not get updates about them et cetera…”, “That’s the point, you DON’T NEED any updates about them anymore.”

So maybe, that’s the point. If you don’t need any updates about someone anymore, it’s enough reason for you to delete them on your social networks.

Comes this dilemma, what if I want to get in touch with them again, is it very American of me to just message them or e-mail them once in a while when I thought about them? Well thinking about it deeply, it’s not very likely that you’ll get in touch with someone you just knew from common friends or acquaintances. You’re just Facebook contacts because it’s…

See I don’t even know the reason why people tend to add someone, just that easily. I, myself, am not a very private person. I take pictures of what I eat, share the things I do, just about anything… even taking pictures of my poop. *no, that was a joke* So it’s plainly thoughtless in two sides: me, posting stuff, or me, adding unknowns.

Admit it, there are people who post a lot of stuff you don’t like, and sometimes they’re those things that would completely ruin your day. It’s very foolish but sometimes we tend to look for things that would annoy us, and it’s our choice. Of course, things would be irritating on a daily basis, but at least if they’re your personal friends, it wouldn’t matter a lot.

The feeling when you badly want to mass-delete friends on Facebook usually arrives, but when you’re already in the point of deleting, you don’t know who to delete anymore. It brings guilt, to you at least, and to the other party it might get a bit offensive. Sometimes it’s a bit illogical, why would you delete someone, it’s not like you had a fight with them or something, but it all comes down to one point: It’s your life, and you choose who to stay. Sometimes it’s better to choose for ourselves, and not think about how others think about you. After all, you don’t have to care, you’re not even FRIENDS. :)

It’s never easy to tell someone what you really think of them. Somewhere inside yourself, you think it’s the right decision, but once you blurt it out, you just officially offended someone, a situation where we get torn thinking if we did the right thing or not. Which is why sometimes, people tend to do stuff again and again, because no one can stand up and tell them something.

I guess we’re living in this current period when everyone seems to embrace right and wrong subjectively. A place where you can’t just point out something to someone because you’re right, or ‘think you’re right’.

I just lost… or almost lost a best friend because of some things. I tried saying something to her but nothing changed. I don’t wanna change someone just because I could, or just because I’m ‘pakelamero’. I have things I regret myself. Things I do, I think about, but it doesn’t mean that I know when someone’s already reaching or pushing herself to a place where she’s not supposed to be. Universal right and wrong still exists.

I don’t think “mind your own business” is a very good excuse from someone for you not to tell them what you’re thinking about. Admit it, everyone’s got issues, and we all can’t fix it, and sometimes we care about other people that’s why we try to fix them even if our own lives are fucked up. Well it just doesn’t apply to those kind of people who don’t practice what they preach. I tell stuff, because I don’t do stuff.

If we all started minding our own businesses, then we’re just all stuck individuals, islands.

We don’t know who we are, seriously. What we think best for ourselves, is not really IT sometimes. I receive criticisms, yes I get offended, but I think about it deeply and I realize that sometimes they might be right or I might be the one who’s wrong. But then again, we can’t explain everything/please everyone so there shouldn’t be any room to get offended. We have our intentions, but sometimes, a lot of people think the other way, which is sometimes truer than what our real intentions are.

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Which is why sometimes, we don’t know if we should ‘love someone’ (accept the negatives), or ‘change someone’ (because we love them). It’s kind of like an irony in itself, you don’t know what to choose. We have this kind of dilemma because we can’t just ‘accept’ them, other thing is just we don’t have the power to ‘change’ them. Life is seriously hard.

To put it simply in a way where we can all relate: Let’s just be honest about everything. In everything we say to other people, and in everything we do ourselves. It’s hard to tell someone something when we can’t even tell ourselves that something.

It’s not just about the concert.

No, you don’t read my posts, but just in case you were interested, my previous post was the most recentest blog entry that I’ve posted in a long long time, and I told in there that my ranting was not supposed to be my comeback.

I’m currently in the situation where I can’t put ‘student’ as my occupation. I’m done schooling last May 11, 2012, and it wasn’t happy-ning. I mean, it didn’t make me happy, not because I’ll be missing school, or my classmates, or friends, or professors, but the moment I stepped out the venue, I just kissed my three classmates goodbye.

If you’ll be asking me now, do I miss being a student? Not anymore. I just envy the fact that students can still get some money on a daily basis, or four to five times a week. It’s a very precious thought, you know? For someone like me who’s not even rich, but spends money like I’m someone.

But if you’ll be asking me now? I would say I’m very much contented. And I’m very much ready. But let’s not go to that ‘ready’ part just yet.

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I just got home from the concert, MOA Arena, Manila. I’m not happy, just overwhelmed, fulfilled, and tired. Well it’s not very good to say that I’m not happy. It’s just that my emotions are exploding right now, as well as my throat because of nonstop screaming. I’m happy in a sense that my heart could emit rainbows and clouds, but my face looks :|

This is the second time that I’ll be watching the same concert, BIGBANG Alive Galaxy Tour in Singapore, and here in Manila, just so I could satisfy my hangover. And it worked. I consider this moment, and that Singapore moment ONE OF THE BEST DAYS IN MY LIFE.

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I’m ready to change my occupation from ‘student’ to ‘whatever-God-gives-me’. I’m very contented in my life right now. I have a lot of things I want to buy, that’s for sure. I have a lot of desperation that my parents can’t provide. I aim for dreams that are somehow ‘dreams’ alone, but I consider myself contented. I’m happy and I’m not looking for anything else as of the moment.

I’m ready to work, because I don’t have any more reasons to delay. I met my best friends and love ones, I had a getaway with a bestfriend, had a month long vacation at Singapore, a day at Malaysia, nightly bondings with my cousins, and of course, the cherry to TOP it all up, two BIGBANG concerts that will forever be etched not just in my heart but also in my mind.

I have my resume ready, but I’m not yet serious about sending it. This week or next week would be very busy for me. God has given me everything that I’ve wanted, though I don’t deserve any of it. I do a lot of stuff that I regret every time, but my Lord is just so giving and forgiving that I experience a lot of things that someone like me wouldn’t easily get.

It’s time for me to give back. I am honestly NOT aiming to work just so I could help my parents or give them some (of course it’s already given that I’ll share a little fortune with them), but I’m HONESTLY more into spoiling myself, for all the stuff that I’ve wanted, but I guess this time’s the best for me to give back. I’ll buy myself some, and give my parents a lot.

And of course it’s also time for me to give back to my God.

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And I hope to see BIGBANG again in the future.

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Sorry if the post is kinda pointless or whatever. I’m tired, can’t eat anymore, can’t even take a bath anymore. Goodnight.